A seriously funny article by guru Steve Pavlina.
The New and Improved Map of Conscious Growth
I’m happy to announce that after years of hard work, I’m finally ready to share my new and improved map of conscious growth. This map works for individuals as well as for families, communities, countries, and the entire planet.
You may have seen other maps of conscious growth such as those from David Hawkins, Ken Wilber, or the Scientologists. I’ve studied all of their maps in detail, but I always felt something was missing from them. So I put a lot of effort into going deeper into this subject than I believe anyone else has ever done before, and eventually I came up with something that — I believe — will render all other maps of conscious growth obsolete.
So… drumroll please… here is the new and improved map of conscious growth, from the lowest level of consciousness to highest level of enlightenment:
- Complete idiots
- Meat eaters
- Late sleepers
- Broke people
- Cubicle workers
- Facebook addicts
- Married people
- LOAers *
- Left-handers **
- Computer game developers
- Polyamorous BDSMers
- Personal growth bloggers
* An LOAer is a person who subscribes to the Law of Attraction. They see 11s everywhere.
** You must be left-handed to progress to Tier 12 and beyond. Right-handedness implies excessive conformity. Ambidexterity means you’re indecisive. And not having hands implies clumsiness.
The worst place to get stuck is Tier 6 since those people have a hard time affording my workshops. In order for them to stop being broke, they need to find a tolerable cubicle. From there they can develop an addiction to social media, which will in turn help them develop good stalking skills.
Most likely you have a long way to go. Be patient with yourself. Conscious growth is a marathon, not a sprint.
I’ve been working on this path for more than two decades, and I’m still not at the top level, although I’m having a lot of sex with someone who is. That does seem to help. It really is blissful to be so close to enlightenment.
Have you noticed that each time someone creates a linear map of consciousness (i.e. a series of defined tiers that you can progress through), they almost always put themselves on the 2nd or 3rd rung from the top, with the top tier being the idealized version of their values? Are their values universal? Of course not.
On someone else’s map, this same nearly enlightened person could be slotted anywhere, often somewhere in the middle. On my new and improved map, most of them haven’t even made it past level 3.
There is no universal, tiered, linear map of conscious growth. There is simply expansion, with no direction being more or less enlightened than any other. This is true not only for individuals but for societies as well.
If you wish to become your own guru, then feel free to construct your own tiered map of consciousness. It’s a lot of work to be sure, but I think you’ll find as I did that it’s truly a labor of love. Make the top tier a clone of your values. If you want to feign some humility (which I recommend), put yourself on the 2nd or 3rd rung from the top. Just make sure you’re in the top quarter no matter what, or you won’t get as much sex as other gurus, and you may someday find yourself backsliding to Tier 10.